One Hundred Russian Jokes

1

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Will people have money when communism is built?”

We’re answering: “Some will, some will not.”

2

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to build communism in America?”

We’re answering: “It's possible, but who will we buy grain from?”

3

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “When the final phase of socialism, namely communism, is built, will there still be thefts and pilfering?”

We’re answering: “No, because everything will be already pilfered during socialism.”

4

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the most permanent feature of our socialist economy?”

We’re answering: “Temporary shortages.”

5

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?”

We’re answering: “In a capitalist society man exploits man, and in a socialist one, the other way around.”

6

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between the capitalist and the socialist trade?”

We’re answering: “Capitalist trade means everything is to be sold.   Socialist trade means everything is to be bought.”

7

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to make ends meet on salary alone?”

We’re answering: “We don't know, we never tried.”

8

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it true that American skyscrapers are the tallest in the world?”

We’re answering: “Yes, it's true, but on the other hand the Soviet-made transistors are the largest in the world.”

9

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What will be the results of the next elections?”

We’re answering: “Nobody can tell.”   Somebody has stolen yesterday the exact results of the next elections from the office of the Central Committee of the USSR.”

10

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?”

We’re answering: “The English fairy tale start with ‘Once upon a time…’, and ours with ‘It will be soon…’”

11

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why did you not broadcast for such a long time?”

We’re answering: “We had to make some changes in our staff.   The previous broadcaster, while reading an article that contained the words ‘Socialism is nothing as compared with communism,’ made a pause too long after the word ‘nothing.’”

12

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “We are told that the communism is already seen at the horizon.” Then, what is a horizon?”

We’re answering: “Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.”

13

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What should we do if the Western borders of the USSR were opened?”

We’re answering: “Rush to Siberia at once in order not to be crushed in the stampede.”

14

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Will the police still exist when communism is built?”

We’re answering: “Of course, not.   By that time, all citizens will have learned how to arrest themselves.”

15

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What to do if a man you don't know takes a seat at your table in a pub and starts to sigh?”

We’re answering: “Immediately demand to stop the anti-Soviet propaganda.”

16

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to build socialism in Switzerland?”

We’re answering: “It's possible, but why?   Did Switzerland really do something wrong to you?”

17

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What shall we do if suddenly we feel a desire to work?”

We’re answering: “Just rest for a while on a sofa.   It will pass.”

18

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why some people say that Hungarians love the Russians and hate the Americans?”

We’re answering: “Because Russians helped Hungarians to get rid of one totalitarian rule, but Americans don't help to get rid of the other.”

19

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the easiest way to explain the meaning of the word ‘communism’?”

We’re answering: “By means of fists.”

20

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why did the man who shot at a government limousine on the Red Square miss the target?”

We’re answering: “Because citizens who happened to be next to him tried to wrest the gun from him and shouted, ‘Let me shoot!’”

21

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What to do if vodka interferes with the job?”

We’re answering: “Get off the job.”

22

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why Lenin wore regular shoes, but Stalin wore boots?”

We’re answering: “At Lenin's time, Russia was still only ankle-high in shit.”

23

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the duration of the workday in a socialist country?”

We’re answering: “Of course, it's an eight-hour workday: from eight am to eight pm.”

24

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is an exchange of opinions?”

We’re answering: “When you walk into your boss's office with your opinion and walk out with his.”

25

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Can a son of a General become a Marshal?”

We’re answering: “No, because every Marshal also has a son.”

26

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is a Soviet musical duet?”

We’re answering: “It's a musical quartet after a trip abroad.”

27

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “How to find out the precise time of the day?”

We’re answering: “A few seconds before noon, you'll hear a low-pitched tone followed by a high-pitched tone.” At that moment the time will be 12 noon, or at the most 12 and a quarter.”

28

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why is our government not in a hurry to land our men on the moon?”

We’re answering: “What if they refuse to return?”

29

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Was it possible to criticize Hitler?”

We’re answering: “Sure.” The same way as you criticized Stalin.   You had to lock yourself in your bedroom, hide under two, or better three covers, place a pillow, or better two pillows on top of the blankets over your head, and then whisper whatever your soul wishes about the dictator, strictly adhering to a five-minute limit.”

30

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Which tea is better, Chinese or Soviet-grown?”

We’re answering: “Don't mix up in the confrontation between the superpowers.   Drink coffee.”

31

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “When Nixon visited Moscow, he and Khrushchev ran around the Kremlin in a race.   Nixon came the first.   How should our media report on that?”

We’re answering: “The report should be as follows: ‘In the international running competition the General Secretary of the Communist Party took the honorable second place.’   Mister Nixon came in one before last.”

32

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Will there be the third world war?”

We’re answering: “No, but the struggle for peace will reach such degree that there will be no stone left intact on the earth.”

33

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why policemen always walk the streets in teams of three?”

We’re answering: “The partners in the police team are always chosen in such a way that one of them knows how to read, the other how to write, and the third one, naturally, has to keep watch over those two intellectuals.”

34

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it true that there are two kinds of people serving as deputies of the Supreme Soviet of the USSR, as members of the Supreme Court, and as Soviet diplomats?”

We’re answering: “Yes, it is a true.   One kind is those not capable of anything at all, and the other, those capable of anything whatsoever.”

35

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What if socialism were built in Greenland?”

We’re answering: “First snow would become available only through ration cards, and later snow would be distributed only to the KGB officers and their families.”

36

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is communism?”

We’re answering: “It's when everything will be available in stores.   In other words, like it was under the Tsar Nicholas the Second.”

37

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR?” Both guarantee freedom of speech.”

We’re answering: “Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.”

38

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why do we need two central newspapers, Pravda (Truth) and Izvestiya (News) if both are organs of the same Party?”

We’re answering: “Because in Pravda there is no news, and in Izvestiya there is no truth.”

39

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is it that starts with an R and never ends?”

We’re answering: “Reorganization.”

40

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to build socialism in one stand-alone country?”

We’re answering: “It's possible, but better to live in another country.”

41

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to solve a problem which has no solution?”

We’re answering: “We don't answer questions related to agriculture.”

42

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is permitted and what is prohibited?”

We’re answering: “In England, what is permitted, is permitted, and what is prohibited, is prohibited.

In America everything is permitted except for what is prohibited.

In Germany everything is prohibited except for what is permitted.

In France everything is permitted, even what is prohibited.

In the USSR everything is prohibited, even what is permitted.

43

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is a one word joke?”

We’re answering: “Communism

44

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the longest joke?”

We’re answering: “The speech made by Khrushchev at the Party congress.”

45

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why Solzhenitsyn, Brodsky, Bukovsky, and other dissidents have been exiled from the country?”

We’re answering: “Don't you know that the best products are always selected for export?”

46

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is there life on other planets?”

We’re answering: “On other planets there is also no life.”

47

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What methods do our enemies use in their subversive work against the socialist state?”

We’re answering: “Such questions we discuss in our program ‘Useful Advice.’”

48

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Are there questions you can't answer?”

We’re answering: “No.   We approach our job in accordance with the Marx' dialectics.   To any question we can give any answer.”

49

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why did butter disappear from the stores' shelves?”

We’re answering: “It all has melted under the sun of the Soviet Constitution.”

50

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it true that Akopian had won last Sunday hundred thousand rubles in the state lottery?”

We’re answering: “Yes, it is true.   Only it was not last Sunday but Monday.   And it was not Akopian but Vagramian.   And not in the state lottery but in checkers.   And not hundred thousand but one hundred rubles.   And not won but lost.”

1

Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview.

"Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?"

"Yes, I do a little."

"Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?"

"If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking."

"Do you drink?"

"Yes, a little."

"Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness."

"Then I shall cease drinking."

"Comrade Ivanov, what about women?"

"A little...."

"Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?"

"If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer."

"Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?"

"Of course. Who needs such life?"

2

Karl Marx was resurrected and came to the USSR. He was shown factories, hospitals, cities and villages, etc. Finally, he requested to be allowed to make a speech on TV. The Politburo hesitated as they were afraid he might say something they wouldn't approve. Marx promised he would say only one sentence. Under this condition, the Politburo agreed. Karl Marx uttered the following sentence: "Workers of all countries, forgive me."

3

A rabbit ran wildly in the street.

"Why are you running like mad?" a bear asked.

"Don't you know, they are now arresting all camels and castrating them."

"But you're rabbit, not a camel."

"Right, but if they catch you, and cut off your nuts, then you can prove that you're not a camel!

4

At a meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the workers about their bright future in the USSR.

"See, comrades, after this five-year plan is completed, every family will have a separate apartment. After the next five-year plan is completed, every worker will have a car! And after one more five-year plan is completed, every family will own an airplane!"

From the audience, somebody asks, "What the hell one may need an airplane for?"

"Don't you see comrades? Let's say, there are shortages in potatoes supplies in your city. No problem! You take your own plane, fly to Moscow and buy potatoes!"

5

A Polish tourist comes back home after visiting the USSR. He carries two very large and heavy suitcases. On his wrist is a new Soviet-made watch. He tells the customs man: "This is a new Soviet watch. It's a wonder unknown in the capitalist countries. You see, it shows time, the rate of your pulse beats, the phases of the Moon, the weather in Warsaw, Moscow, and New York, and more and more!"

"Yes, it's a wonder," the customs man agrees. "And what is it you have in these big suitcases?"

"Oh, it's just the batteries for that watch."

6

An old wench waited for two hours to get in a bus. Bus after bus came full and she couldn't squeeze herself in. When she finally managed to crawl in, she wiped her forehead, and said, "Finally, glory to God!"

The driver said, "Mother, you must not say that. You must say 'Glory to comrade Stalin."

"Excuse me, comrade," the woman said. "I'm just a backward old woman. I'll say from now on as you told me."

After a while, she said, "Excuse me, comrade, I am old and stupid. What shall I say if, God forbid, Stalin dies?"

"Oh, mother, then you shall say, "'Glory to God!"

7

At a May Day parade, a very old Jew carries a slogan, "Thank you, comrade Stalin, for my happy childhood!"

The Party representative approaches the old man. "What's that? Are you deriding our Party? Everybody can see, when you were a child, comrade Stalin was not yet born!"

"That's precisely what I'm grateful to him for!" the Jew said.

8

A woman walking in the street is carrying a bag full of rolls of toilet paper.

A passer-by opens his mouth, "Hey, mother, where did you buy it?"

"Buy? Are you crazy? Where could I buy it nowadays? They are five years old. I am taking them back from the cleaners."

9

A man came home and found his wife in bed with a stranger. Furious, the man shouted, "You, good-for nothing, look at what you're spending your time for, while at the corner store they're selling eggs, and they have only three boxes left!"

10

Two brothers, John, and Bob, who lived in America and were members of the communist party, decided to emigrate to the USSR. Even though they didn't believe the American media's negative reports on the conditions in the USSR, they decided to exercise caution. First, only John would go to Russia to test the waters. If, contrary to the media reports, the living conditions would be found good, and the reports about persecutions by the KGB false, than John would write a letter to Bob using black ink whose color would signify that the letter is to be taken at face value. If, though, the situation in the USSR happened to be bad, and John would be afraid of writing the truth, he would use red ink thus indicating that whatever he says in the letter must not be believed.

In three months John sent his first report. It was in black ink and read, "Dear brother Bob! I'm so happy here! It's a beautiful country, I enjoy complete freedom, and high standard of living. All the capitalist press wrote was lies. Everything is readily available! There is only one small thing of which there's shortage, namely red ink."

11

An inspecting commission came to a lunatics asylum. To greet them, a choir of the patients sang a song from a popular movie that says "Oh, how good it is to live in the Soviet land!"

The commission noticed that one of the men did not sing.

"Why are you not singing?"

"I'm not crazy, I'm a nurse here."

12

A Jew applied for a visa to leave for America. As his reason, he indicated that he had a brother in America who fell ill and needed help. The officials at the passport office said, "Then why won't your brother rather come over here?"

"My brother is sick, but he's not mentally sick."

13

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!"

The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman."

The Russian said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?"

14

To alleviate the perennial shortages of butter, The Politburo of the Communist Party ordered the Soviet scientists to develop a technology for converting shit into butter, and to complete this project on or before the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. After six months of work, the Politburo demanded an interim progress report. The scientists reported that they had achieved a 50% success. The party requested elaboration. The reply from the Academy of Sciences explained, "One can already spread it, but not yet eat it."

15

A judge walks out of the courtroom, laughing loudly. A colleague asks, "What is it you laugh about?"

"Ah, I just heard an excellent anecdote," the judge says, sweeping tears of laughter.

"An anecdote? Tell me!"

"Are you crazy? I just sentenced a man to ten years for that anecdote."

16

A delegation of foreign communists came to see a Moscow kindergarten. Before they came, the kids were instructed to answer every question by the visitors with just one sentence, "In the USSR everything is the best in the world."

The visitors came and asked their questions:

"Children, do you like your kindergarten?"

"In the USSR everything is the best in the world!" the kids shouted.

"And what about the food you get?"

"In the USSR everything is the best in the world!"

"Do you like your toys?"

"In the USSR everything is the best in the world!"

At that, the smallest boy in the group started crying.

"Misha, why are you crying? What happened?"

"I want to go to the USSR!"

17

In the time of Stalin's mass purges, a knock at the door woke a family in the middle of night. All family members, shaking in terror, jumped up.

"Take all you can carry with you, and get out at once," a voice sounded. "But, for God's sake, don't panic! It's me, your neighbour. It is nothing serious, just our house is on fire."

18

The year is 2010. In Moscow, a boy asks, "Grandpa, what is a line?"

"You see, some twenty years back, there was not enough meat in stores, so people had to form long queues at the stores' entrances and wait hoping some meat would appear on sale. That was called line. Did you get it?"

"Yes, Grandpa. And what is meat?"

19

In the Olympics, a Soviet hammer thrower set a new record. Correspondents interviewed him.

"How did you manage to hurl that hammer so far?"

"If it were together with a sickle, I would send it twice as far."

20

On the occasion of the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution, a meeting of Party members is held in a village. The Chairman of the local Soviet gives a speech,

"Dear comrades! Let's look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution. For example, here sits Maria. Who was she before? An illiterate peasant woman, she had but one dress and no shoes. And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known over the entire region. Or look at Ivan Andreev. He was the poorest man in this village, had no horse, no cow, and even no axe. And now? He is a tractor driver, and has two pairs of shoes! Or look at Trofim Semenovich Alekseev. He was a nasty hooligan, a lowest drunkard, a dirty gadabout. Nobody trusted him even with a snowdrift in wintertime, as he would steal anything his gaze fell upon. And now he's a Secretary of the Party Committee!"

21

Seven paradoxes of the socialist state:

Nobody works, but the plan is always fulfilled. The plan is fulfilled, but the shelves in the stores are empty. The shelves are empty, but nobody starves; nobody starves, but everybody is unhappy; everybody is unhappy, but nobody complains; nobody complains, but the jails are full.

22

A man walked into the district committee of the Communist Party and said, "I wish to join the Party. Where should I start?"

"Visit a Psychiatrist."

23

Some thirty people gathered to celebrate the birthday of the host. After a few bottles of vodka were imbibed, the tongues got loose, and the guests started telling political jokes. Through laughter, a voice sounded, "Comrades, please, it's too noisy. In such a noise, I can't hear the jokes. I am writing it down, you know."

A man sitting next to the one who's writing down, says admiringly, "How do you manage to write down that fast?"

"Oh, I'm writing down only the initials."

24

In a school, a survey was a conducted among the students. One of the questions was "Would you suggest a classification of Soviet citizens in accordance with any criterion you may choose?"

The son of a KGB officer answered: 'There are three categories of Soviet people, namely, 1) those who have already been to prison; 2) those who are now in prison, and 3) those who will be in prison."

25

An university Professor of Folklore asked his students, "Do you believe that with time anecdotes are being reevaluated?"

"Yes. They used to give for an anecdote fifteen years, and now they give only three."

26

A competition for the best anecdote has been announced. First prize: twenty five years; second prize: twenty years, and two condolence prizes: fifteen years each.

27

A man parked his car in the Red Square in Moscow. A policeman rushed to him, shouting, "Are you crazy? Here is where the government is!"

"No problem," the man answered, "I've good locks in my car."

28

In a prison, two inmates share their experience.

"What did they arrest you for?" one of them asks. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system requires replacement.' So, they gave me seven years."

29

In Odessa, a lecturer gave a public talk entitled "Is there life on Mars?"

When he finished, he asked, "Any questions?"

"Yes. When will we have a life in Odessa?"

30

A woman walks into a food store. "Do you have any meat?"

"No, we don't."

"What about milk?"

"We only deal with meat. Across the street there is that store where they have no milk."

31

A guard asked a political prisoner, "What is your term?"

"Ten years."

"What for?"

"For nothing."

"What a lie! For nothing they give only five years."

32

A man died and was sent to the paradise. After a while, he became bored with the paradise, with the eternal quiet, abundance of flowers, absence of worries. So he requested to let him visit the hell as a tourist. God consented. In the hell, he saw people playing cards, drinking wine, and making love. He liked it very much and upon return to the paradise applied for a transfer to hell for good. God consented. As soon a he appeared at the hell's gate, demons grabbed him and pushed him into a barrel with hot tar.

"Stop it! I was here with a visit and saw the people drinking vodka, playing cards, making love."

"Don't confuse the area designated for tourists and sustained by the Propaganda Department, with this area which is for residents."

33

Two former schoolmates met in the street.

"Where do you work?"

"I am a school teacher. And what about you?"

"I work for the KGB."

"Oh, and what are you doing at the KGB?"

"We unearth those who are dissatisfied."

"You mean, there are also some who are satisfied?"

"Those who are satisfied are dealt with by the Division for the Fight Against the Embezzlements of the Socialist Property."

34

A frightened man came to the KGB "My talking parrot disappeared."

"This is not our case. Go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me. Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with that parrot."

35

A mummy was found in Egypt. The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet advisor offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet advisor appeared and said, "His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd."

"How did you find out?"

"He confessed," the advisor said.

36

A Japanese worker was sent to Russia to fix a piece of Japanese machinery. The Japanese worked his eight hours a day without speaking to anybody. In a month, his contract expired. Before leaving for Japan, the guest said with tears in his eyes, "Me apologize, me good worker. Me know workers solidarity. But me has contract, me has to work, me apologize for not participating in your long strike."

37

A Russian, a Frenchman and an American argued who was the bravest man. The American said, "For example, we take ten cars of which one has no brakes. We throw dice, each of us gets a car, we drive on a mountain road. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him there."

"That's nothing," the Frenchman said. "We choose ten girls and one of them has AIDS. We throw dice and each one of us gets a girl, and we make love to them throughout the night. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him."

The Russian said, "We gather in an apartment, even though we know that one of us must be an informer. We tell political jokes throughout the night, and then nine are in jail, and one visits the nine there."

38

A foreign delegation came unexpectedly to a collective farm. There was no time to prepare. After they left, the Chairman of the collective farm called the District Party committee. "You didn't warn me in advance, so they saw everything, the ruined cow sheds, and all the dirt, and all our misery and poverty."

"Don't worry," the Party secretary said.

"But now they will tell about it all over the world."

"So, let them indulge in their usual slander," the Party secretary said.

39

In a school in the republic of Georgia the teacher asked the students to tell about their fathers.

"Turashvili, tell about your father."

"My father grows oranges. He takes them to Moscow, sells there and makes good money."

"Now you, Beridze."

"My father grows laurel leaves. He takes them to Moscow, sells there, and makes good money."

"Now you, Klividze."

"My father works in the Division for the Fight Against Embezzlements and Speculations. When Beridze's and Turashvili's fathers go to Moscow, they always first see my father. So he makes good money."

"Now you, Chavchavadze."

"My father is a chemical engineer."

The class burst in laughter.

"Children," the teacher said. "It's not good to laugh at somebody's grief."

40

There was an international competition for the best book about elephants.

France submitted a lavishly illustrated volume titled "Love triangles in the elephants' families."

England presented a treatise "Elephants and the World Trade."

Germany submitted 24 volume set under the title "Introduction into elephantology."

The USA furnished one million copies of a leaflet announcing a sweepstakes, "Win an Elephant. No purchase necessary."

The USSR sent three volumes, with the following titles,

Vol. 1. Role of elephants in the Great October Socialist Revolution.

Vol. 2. The happy life of elephants under the sun of the most progressive in the world Soviet Constitution.

Vol. 3. Russia - the Motherland of elephants.

41

In a questionnaire for applicants to the communist Party membership one of the questions was, "What is your attitude to the Soviet authority?" One applicant answered, "The same as to my wife." To the request to elaborate, the applicant explained, "First, I love her; second, I fear her; third, I wish I had another one."

42

Bedbugs appeared in the house occupied by the secretary of the region Party committee. The Party boss summoned an expert on insects and asked him how to get rid of bedbugs. The expert said, "The best way is to organize a collective farm for bedbugs. Then half of them will flee, and the rest will croak."

43

Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.

"Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," "Pigs around comrade Khrushchev," -- all is rejected. Finally the editor makes the decision. The caption is "The third from left - comrade Khrushchev."

44

Once Stalin received a delegation of workers from the Urals. When the workers left, Stalin looked around for his pipe but did not see it. He called the Chairman of the KGB Lavrentiy Beria and said, "Lavrentiy Pavlovich, my pipe disappeared after the visit of those workers."

"Yes, Yosif Vissarionovich, I'll immediately take proper measures."

Ten minutes later, Stalin pulled out a drawer in his desk and saw his pipe. He struck a match, puffed out a ring of smoke, and dialed Beria's number.

"Lavrentiy Pavlovich, my pipe's been found."

"What a pity," Beria said. "All of them have already confessed."

45

In the Red Square in Moscow, a line is snaking toward the Lenin's tomb. A change of guard is watched by the onlookers. A kid asks, "Daddy, why do they always keep guard at the tomb?"

"Didn't you hear what they say all the time? Lenin lived, Lenin is alive, Lenin will live forever. What if , God forbid, he is indeed alive, and decides to walk out of the tomb?"

46

Once Stalin invited several Marshals of the Soviet Union and ordered them to wrestle in front of him on a carpet. Marshal Tukhachevsky won all rounds. This angered Stalin. He ordered to summon Marshal Timoshenko who was a very big man.

Timoshenko arrived and easily overpowered Tukhachevsky. As Tukhachevsky fell to the carpet, he hit his head. Timoshenko, putting in order his uniform, loudly expressed regret.

"Don't worry, comrade Timoshenko," Stalin said. "He will not need his head any longer."

47

Stalin summons the famous writer Sholokhov.

"I've read your novel "The reclaimed land". It's very good, I like it. I thought, why won't you write an article, say 'If the enemy doesn't surrender, he's to be finished off?"

"I am afraid I may not be able to tackle it, comrade Stalin. Lately my health is not that well."

"We'll help you. We'll send you to Georgia for a while, you'll have there some wine, and grapes."

"Yes, comrade Stalin. Then please let me bid farewell to my family."

"Why?"

"In case the article is not successful."

48

During the war, Stalin discussed with Marshal Zhukov the plans for a new offensive. "What do you think, comrade Zhukov, what direction should we choose for the attack?"

"West, comrade Stalin."

"Go and think, comrade Zhukov!"

As Zhukov walked out, he muttered, "What a pig!"

Stalin's secretary Poskrebyshev overheard the Marshal and reported to Stalin. Zhukov was ordered back to Stalin's office.

"Whom did you have in mind when you said 'What a pig?' Stalin asked.

"Of course, I meant Hitler," Zhukov said.

"Then whom did you have in mind, comrade Poskrebyshev?" Stalin said.

49

Stalin summoned Radek and said, "I know you spread jokes about me. It's impertinent."

"Why?"

"I am the Great Leader, Teacher, and Friend of the people after all."

"No, I've not told anybody this joke."

50

Stalin walked into Lenin's office and asked, "Vladimir Ilyich, may I order to shoot a dozen communists?"

"If the interests of the Party demand it, by all means," Lenin answered.

"Vladimir Ilyich, if necessary, may we shoot one hundred communists?"

"If necessary, the answer is Yes."

"Vladimir Ilyich, may we, if need be, shoot one thousand Party members?"

"If there is a real need, yes."

"Vladimir Ilyich, may we, if the situation demands, shoot one million of Party Members?"

"Eh, Iosif Vissarionovich, now we'll criticize you in a comradely way, and may even say to you that you exaggerate a little."

51

Stalin is dead and things have begun to lighten up a bit relatively speaking. An old couple live in an apartment in Moscow and she sends him down to buy some meat for supper. After queueing for the obligatory three hours he gets to the counter and the woman says 'No more meat, meat finished'. He cracks and starts raving 'I fought in the Revolution, I fought for Lenin in the First World War and for Stalin in the Second World War and we are still in this shit?' One of the leather-jacketed brigade takes him on one side and says 'Look old man you know you can't talk like this. Just think, a few years ago you would have been shot for saying these things.' The old man trudges home. His wife seeing him empty-handed says 'Run out of meat again have they?' He says: 'It's worse than that, they've run out of bullets.'